River Ridge Golf Club - West Houston, Katy Texas

Hmmm... from Trey Birchum:

OSCARS UPDATE 3/10/2010

A quick mid week note of hello...actually I’m just gloating. That’s right- the stinking golf pro went 6 for 6..Entertainment Tonight? Losers. E Network? Not a chance. Showbiz Tonight? Please. If you want all the best advice about things that will make you no money, have no redeeming social value and no consequence, you know where to call, right? Uh huh....the pro shop. We know everything that means nothing.

Completely Biased Oscar Predictions

You all know what a movie buff I am, albeit one with strange tastes. The best part of the rehab from surgery was being able to watch a ton of movies, especially Best Picture nominees. Therefore, here are our completely biased, no hint of neutrality golf pro Oscar winners:

SUPPORTING ACTOR: Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds. Supporting actors win for memorable, small roles. The opening scene of the movie, with Waltz interrogating a Resistance farmer in three languages, is chilling. Game over for the award season ten minutes into the movie. My secret hope is that Woody Harrelson will win and then I can get into every bar in Katy as an Oscar winner. It worked in college; I can still pull it off.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Mo’Nique, Precious. Because she scared me. A lot. In fact the movie in general scared me. Way worse than The Exorcist. Got a teenage daughter considering doing something stupid? Have them watch this movie. Scared Stiff-1, Stupid-0.

BEST ACTRESS: Sandra Bullock, Blind Side. Lifetime achievement award for being cute, harmless, and rehab-free. What should happen is the award be retired, given to Meryl Streep and she should pass it out on odd-numbered years when she doesn’t have a movie out. Would make things much simpler and cut a good ten minutes out of the show. Feel free to pass the suggestion on to all your Hollywood friends.

BEST ACTOR: Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart. Because he should win. Because he could have won three or four times. Because he somehow makes us love an amoral, alcoholic jerk. But mostly because The Dude abides. When you consider the length of his career and the breadth of his performances, it’s pretty easy. Take that and add in the fact that only one other performance (Jeremy Renner’s) is truly memorable, and you should have a no-brainer. That makes him guaranteed to lose; Hollywood doesn’t do smart very often.

BEST DIRECTOR: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker. She only directed the most intense, realistic portrayal of the horrors and ambiguities of war since Saving Private Ryan. When you watch this movie, you get the sense that it was directed by someone who had been there. To me, that is the very definition of directing genius and accomplishment. For that, she deserves to win, and I could care less that she would be the first woman to win. If nothing else, either she or Lee Daniels (Precious) needs to win because James Cameron must be stopped.

BEST PICTURE: The Hurt Locker. No problem with that one. It is truly excellent film-making. My secret wish is that Inglorious Basterds would sneak up and win because of the funky voting process and my love of Tarantino flicks. My really deep, impossible secret wish is that District 9 would win because it’s dark, subversive, and creepy. All wrapped up in alien bug guts. I say all of this with the full knowledge that Avatar will probably win. So when the world does end in 2012, you can all say that I called it here first. The end of the world began when James Cameron’s ego took over Los Angeles and consumed all the oxygen in California. Then the earthquakes began, fires started, etc.....you know how it ends.

UPDATE 3/10/2010 A quick mid week note of hello...actually I’m just gloating. That’s right- the stinking golf pro went 6 for 6..Entertainment Tonight? Losers. E Network? Not a chance. Showbiz Tonight? Please. If you want all the best advice about things that will make you no money, have no redeeming social value and no consequence, you know where to call, right? Uh huh....the pro shop. We know everything that means nothing.

Random thoughts: Finally saw the sun!

Turning into a crusty old man.....

At what point did professional golfers start dressing like pimps? I missed a memo somewhere. If TV is not lying to me, I am now supposed to show up for work in a painters cap, a shirt made of gauze and spandex and pants that let you know what religion I am. Let me tell all of you something that a few of you already know. You do not want to see that.

I’ve never been inside the ropes of a PGA Tour event. Never that good. So I ask a question out of ignorance; maybe one of you can answer. Do all the cameras at tour events have bright red lights to let you know they’re on? I ask because I can’t figure out how Camilo manages to always look into the camera before he does his Zoolander catwalk Zen Master putting line-up. Trying to prove you should have been a gymnast is one thing. Looking into the camera, pursing your lips and kissing your biceps before you take off the driver head cover is another. I was looking for a golf tournament and found a WWE mixer instead.

We finally saw the sun. And it was good. I know I say it a lot, but I’ve never lied to you. This golf course looks absolutely beautiful and the greens are the best in the area. Where else are you going to find a great golf course, no homes, no roads, no cars...just golf. Ask anyone who’s been out lately. They’ll vouch for me.

Tiger moratorium

Can’t rant today. Placing a Tiger moratorium on myself. The NBA is boring until the playoffs. March Madness is a month away. The Winter Olympics are...well they are the Winter Olympics. I am born and raised a Texan. South-ish Texan. If I wanted to live in the cold, I would move. That doesn’t mean I want to look at you in it, either.

Firmer, Fitter, Relatively Functioning Golf Professional

Yayy! I’m back! Thanks to Dr. David Cech and his wonderful staff- you guys are the best. We now have a firmer, fitter, relatively functioning golf professional. Amazing what a few months in agony will teach you about the relativity of pain.

Let’s see, what have I missed…

The Saints win the Super Bowl. If that is not the ultimate affirmation for Houston residents that the impossible can happen, I don’t know what is. Keep persevering and forty something years later, you’re on top. You know, overnight sensation.
Phil decides to start a war of principle with the Tour. Well, the Big Guy is out...Tour needs a hero...everyone’s cheering for me....gotta step up. Time to do something completely pointless. Need to draw attention to the fact that I can’t use my favorite 88 degree loft to hit over trees from 10 feet away. Yeah, that’s the way to do it. It’s great to see that gazillionaires can have a self destruct button too.

There’s been rumbling about it for a couple of years now. Don’t let this Dustin Johnson kid figure the game out. It could be scary.
Zero kudos to the IOC for their reaction to the tragic death of an athlete. Make sure you get that press release out quick that it’s not our fault...hey guys, when you wrap up the Olympics, there will be plenty of jobs waiting for you. Go to this place called Washington, DC and.....

Pain in the arse?

Your intrepid pro is going to have a little down time upcoming so he can deal with some rehab from surgery. Don’t worry, nothing serious at all, just getting rid of some pain in the you know what. Thanks to all those who have called and contacted me with best wishes and thoughts over the last few days; it means the world to me and I can’t thank all of you enough. Be up and around in no time, and you’ll all remember why you periodically ask me to shut up.

This has been, quite frankly, the most unmemorable NFL playoffs I can remember in a long time. Even when there have been truly dominant teams in the past and the games were blowouts, it was at least fun to watch the destruction. So far this year, excepting the Green Bay/Arizona game, nothing. And that game featured two teams pretty much everyone knew wouldn’t be around in the end. The hope for today is two great games; then at least the next two weeks of SB hype won’t be all about how bored we are. We already know that.

YAAY TEXANS!!!

You all knew that this was going to be about today....YAAY TEXANS!!! Happy for everyone within the organization and excited about the future. We’ve finally gotten over the mediocrity hump. Now let’s just jump over the whole playoff hump thing straight to the Super Bowl next year, OK? Enough baby steps; we’re due a leap and I really feel that you guys can do it with the team we have in place. Good job men.

The NFL would never make discreet phone calls to ownership groups on behalf of having a New York team in the playoffs, would they? While in the end, we should have taken care of our own business, thank you Colts and Bengals for two blatant lay down jobs to the Jets. Those two games had me wanting to call Tim Donaghy and ask him what the final was going to be. I think he and a couple of guys in Lincoln Town Cars could have told me the final, the vig and the payout all last Thursday and saved me two hours Sunday afternoon of entertaining hope.

Go Horns! Pull off the upset and let Colt ride off into the sunset as the most successful college QB of all time. I’m all about the fairy tale ending right about now.

2009 We Hardly Knew Ye

As our final edition of 2009, we have to do the standard year in retrospective. In no particular order; 2009:

1. Tiger- I think I’m most disappointed that a Stanford grad isn’t any smarter than that. Not sure what that says for the Harvard of the West. You guys may want a new marketing campaign. Andrew Luck seems to be a great kid. Start taking a lot more pictures of him. Quickly.
2. Katy High School and Cinco Ranch High School Football- Congratulations to the coaches, administrators, and players from Cinco Ranch and Katy. It is an honor and a privilege to know many of the people responsible for these two programs; you all make me proud to be a Texan and a Katy resident. Great job!
3. Nancy Grace- You are still on the air. This is obviously not working. Going to have to step up the intensity. Next year....we find your maid, your yard guy and your stylist. We’ll just talk to the maid and yard guy. We’re taking the stylist out back. Let’s see how nervous that makes you.....
4. The Texans and Astros- My wish for 2010: Be good. Be great. Be champions. Be terrible. Be anything but predictable and boring. I know what you’re going to do and how you’re going to look doing it. In the year 2017. If you were the Colts, Patriots, or Yankees that would be a positive. You are not them.
5. Dallas- I still don’t like you.
6. The economy- Uh, next.
7. The BCS- Had it all planned out; Auburn beats Alabama, Alabama beats Florida, A&M beats Texas= TCU v. Cincinnati or Boise State for the National Championship. All I’m asking is once, just once...if everything fell the right way there would be a Constitutional Amendment the following Monday. The gap between the BCS conferences and the rest is shrinking. Rapidly. It’s going to happen. Don’t give up the dream.
8. Chiropractors- Way underrated. Need better lobbyists. Should be considered just below Mother Theresa and just above Peyton Manning in the world pecking order.
9. Golf in Houston- It is humbling to say the least when you start thinking about all the great courses in this area. I am proud to be able to speak to you from one of the best. It is a reflection of our great ownership, great staff and the best customers and members in Southeast Texas. None of this would be possible without all of your contributions, care and love. Thank you all for a great 2009 and hope to make 2010 the best year yet.

Used car salesmen? Carnival barkers? Rap moguls?

I talked about meteorology last week. If there are any meteorologists on this chain, feel free to refute me.

I am now putting you in the category of used car salesmen, carnival barkers, and rap moguls. How do you do that with a straight face? 70 degrees and sunny? Really? When and where? Is there some sort of Loop 610 dome I don’t know about? Can someone fly over and check for me real quick. I don’t go inside the Beltway anymore unless it’s really important like a high school playoff game or round of golf. You know, important. I used to think Texans and Astros games were important. But, well, you know. And the Rockets are fun to watch, gotta admit that and..HEY!

This isn’t about me, it’s about you, Mr. I have three degrees in something you can’t pronounce and know how to stand in front of a blue screen and make lavish gestures. So do Meryl Streep and Al Pacino and I don’t want them lying to me either. What, did your screen test in Mr. Weinstein’s office go badly? Did you flub the lines? Or are you like the rest of America and copied the scantron off the guy next to you in your Rain 101 class and decided it was a career choice? How does that clouds class work anyway? Do you get to lie on your back in a flower-drenched field and look at bunnies? Just wondering.

It’s all your fault I haven’t seen the sun in a month. Just you. Not global warming, climate change, history or ice ages. As soon as you quit lying to me it will all be better.

If meteorology had a sense of humor

If meteorology had a sense of humor you would have sent us all that weather in three more weeks; THAT would have been cool.

I can’t name him because he wants to keep it quiet. He doesn’t truly understand his powers. Yet. In some ways, he’s paranormal. You’ve all heard about this other guy, “The Most Interesting Man in the World”? Cute ad. But it’s just an ad. I know someone better. I know The Smartest Man on Earth. Ha! In next week’s installment, while making breakfast, he buys futures online and updates the timing on a ‘63 Cobra as he’s on his cell with me explaining how motor oil works and why I should use it. And the greatest part is that he really exists. Just don’t let him know that I let you know, because well, you know....

That’s enough Tiger talk. I don’t care how young his kids are. They don’t need or deserve this.

Helicopters, Black Cars, Intersection Cameras, Blackberries

Let’s see now...word gets back to The Man that I know his secret. National Enquirer starts investigating him.....car hits fire hydrant...club hits window...man (droid, alien, otherworldly being, etc.) meets windshield.... Cuts...supposedly. Still no photos or video. Have to finish up the special effects before we go out in public. No one has seen him bleed yet. Besides his wife. She’s not talking...I think she may be in on it. You don’t think we blew his cover, do you? Man, this Internet thing is creepy.. now if I was some kind of conspiracy buff, I’d be lying awake. Helicopters, black cars, those intersection cameras, camera phones, Blackberries, that guy in the car next to me who keeps looking at me, talking on his phone, looking at me, talking....why do you have a beard with no mustache?.....is that an earpiece?....and a cell phone?.....why is my phone clicking?

Shaping up that UT is going to play for the title. Let’s hope Jerrod Johnson doesn’t transfer to Florida or Alabama in the next week. That would not go well. Do you think Urban Meyer got a little excited Thursday night? I would ask about Saban, but he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t. Just line someone up in front of us and tell me when sixty minutes is up.

Hope everyone had a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving and you are all fat and happy.

Is Tiger Woods Robert Johnson?

There are a select few who will understand this. There are some of you who may have an inkling but are still a little unsure. And then there are some of you who are still non-believers. I’m here to tell you it’s real. Anyone remember the story of the crossroads, Robert Johnson and the devil? I can’t prove it yet, but I think Tiger Woods is Robert Johnson. It is not possible through the laws of simple physics to make a ball do anything you want on command AFTER its left your clubface. You can’t make it go up, down, right, left by twitching your pinky. Or glaring at it. Unless you’ve got, you know....powers. How do you know for sure he’s not from the future? Has anyone ever actually seen him bleed? Yea I know, he had knee surgery, the doctor saw him, the nurses....How come there’s no photos, no video of him arriving or leaving the hospital? You know why? Because he was teleported. Some other dimension. Still working on the details.....get back with you next week...signal getting weaker...bright lights...black monolith....is that your head....how does that thing work?.....it goes where?.....

THREE CHEERS FOR CHIROPRACTORS!!

Happy to see Phil and Tiger paired together- even if it does happen on a 12 hour time difference. Some time around midnight I guess we’ll get to find out if Phil can hang on. Who do I have to talk to about changing the whole time zone thing anyway? I get confused enough trying to set my own alarm clock for the time zone I’m in. Now you expect me to find a golf tournament 5000 miles away? Tell them to tee off a little later or a lot earlier....I need to get to bed.

See you at the River!

Back at ya

Been a bit of a delay getting back with you guys; your loyal golf pro has been a little stove up lately with some back issues. Let me share a little secret with you. In case anyone offers you the chance between back spasms and getting punched in the face, take the face. At least then you can look in the mirror and see if it’s getting any better. Not only do you not know when or if your back will get better, you don’t know what even caused it in the first place. I see your fist coming at my head, I know that’s what caused my headache. I’m pretty sure I can mess my back up by looking at you; I think that’s all it takes. So to all those guys in the pro shop I’ve made fun of over the years, my sincere apologies. Not only do I understand, I feel your pain. Literally.

Fairways, greens and one putts.....

Trey Birchum
PGA Head Professional, River Ridge Golf Club
email: tbirchum AT riverridgegolfclub.com