River Ridge Golf Club - West Houston, Katy Texas

Hmmm... from Trey Birchum:

Teens vs. Cyborgs - Who Wins?

I have come to the realization that in a couple of months I will be the parent of a teenager. Is my life over? Should I buy lots of pharmaceutical stocks? Do I need to start hiding things like money and keys? My biggest concern is that my kids are basically smarter than I am now, and they already know it. So when they’re both teenagers, do I even bother to get out of bed anymore or just let them tell me what my day will be?

I need to know all of this stuff pretty quick, so as you wander through the shop, just consider yourself Yoda and me an older, fatter, balder Luke. At some point that stinking Mark Hamill has to start losing his hair anyway. But then again, Harrison Ford still looks good. At 80. And I think the guys stuck inside the robot costumes are still around. Scarred for life, but still around. Bet they don’t have teenagers anymore, though. So don’t give me any robot advice, OK? I’m good with that. At least until the machines achieve self-consciousness and awareness. At that point, I’ll have to deal with James Cameron, and I’m going to need more ammo for that one. One thing at a time, OK?

Things I think

Back in the saddle again....

Things I think

I think someone should put a big sign up when you get into Louisiana. Something like “If you’re going east of Lafayette, it’s a bridge. Just a big old bridge. One after the other. For hours. If you freak out on bridges, turn around, go north, or fly.” Something like that.

Seaside, Florida may the the coolest place on earth.

There has to be a city planner around here somewhere. I’d like to know who is in charge of the decision to take a five lane Interstate in the middle of the fourth largest city in America down to two lanes. On Friday night. When there’s no way 2.5 million people would possibly be on the road starting their weekend. I mean, surely no one in Houston goes out on Friday night, right? Don’t you all stay at home and watch PBS? That has to be it. Gotta be.

I think that if you’re going to scare an entire nation and ruin the economy of entire states, you should keep telling people that they’re going to come out of the Gulf looking like Swamp Thing. This is going to shock some of you, but there have been tar balls on Gulf of Mexico beaches for a few decades now. When waves of oil reach a beach or marsh, that’s a problem. Getting a tar ball on your little MSNBC toe is not a national catastrophe. It’s called living on the Gulf. And before you start in with the whole “Any tar ball is a crime against the environment” stuff, take a look down at your little plastic I-Phone and check out the statement from filling up the gas on your little charter flight down here while you’re putting on your “No Animal Tested” lipstick that comes out of a plastic tube. Then you can tell me all about how you’re trying to do your part to save the world. “We have to reduce our reliance on fossil fuels!” Really? I hadn’t heard. Look, we know you had to look us up on your little Google map, but we’ve been here a while. We even have Starbucks and Panera’s. Sum of us done even had sum skoolin. Welcome to the party.

Koko the Monkey

The court jester will be taking a little R&R at an undisclosed location. Rumors of therapy and little umbrellas abound...In his stead, all of his important responsibilities will be handled by Koko the monkey, the cast of Justified, and that World Cup octopus. We’ll return in a couple of weeks with our latest installment of An Idiot With a Computer.

Little Johnny Lost a Day

Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend. It was fun being able to see family and friends and let all the kids run around and go crazy for a while. Good country. Cool place to hang out. Think we’ll stick around a while.

I think you’re doing a great job with the team. I especially admire your dedication. Having 8 and 9-year-olds practice for four hours a night, four days a week...that’s impressive. They must really be getting better. No? Hmm....

I really admire your ability to put silly things like heat, humidity, lightning...just put them out of sight....shows them how to be a man....standing in an electrical storm, taking grounders...how else they going to improve? Hey, can hold that metal rod up in the air after you swing....gives it a good target.....

Here’s a hint. When an entire junior high and high school athletic complex clears out due to the lights flickering and the ground shaking, it’s probably safe for you to call your little World Series practice. You know, for the tournament that’s two weeks away. You’ll just have to call Mr. Steinbrenner and tell him little Johnny lost a day in his progression to replace A-Rod at third. I think he’ll survive. And so will little Johnny.

A Star is Born

Does Lady Gaga play an instrument? I mean, besides the media?

Have had a couple of comments about the new TV ads...here’s how it all went down…
Producer: We need a fat, bald, rather unattractive man for a commercial. He needs to act like he can swing a golf club. We don’t want him to talk. Whatever you do, don’t let him speak on film. And sunburned. He needs to be sunburned. Sort of a metro redneck.
Director: Boy have we got the guy. Only one problem...he’s scared of bright shiny objects. Says something about hearing the satellite transmissions in his head....he’ll have to wear a tin foil lined cap. But the great thing is that he works for food. As long as you keep feeding him, he keeps showing up.
Producer: He’s hired. Don’t tell him you’re filming. He’ll want scale. Give him some chicken salad and send him home.

And a star is born.

Clutch Country

I don’t even like soccer and that was cool. A goal in extra minutes to advance to the knockout round. Now that’s clutch.

The major that no one wanted. That’s how it will go down in history. Sorry, Graeme...just the way it winds up. You played well, you played gritty and you didn’t spit the bit when you had the opportunity. There’s a lot to be said for that. Unfortunately, everyone will remember more that the top 5 players in the world all found new and inventive ways to shoot themselves in both feet. Which is really hard to do if you think about it. Americans. We can do anything you can’t. Like shoot 100 in the final round.

Dave Campbell’s Texas Football Magazine is on the newstands. It’s almost time......

Open letter to a beach: If you are a beach and you do not have A) petroleum products B) red tide C) dead fish or D) dredged up chemical weapons, please call my house. The pro’s summer is rapidly getting shut down. I know I’ve said a lot of things about Nancy Grace and I realize slow drivers, cheapskates and lazy parents are universal. I get it now...this is all about me, isn’t it? You all got together and decided “What’s the one thing that’s gonna hack this guy off? I know...we’ll destroy all the decent beaches in the Southern Hemisphere. That’ll teach him.” So sorry, America. What’s the word I’m looking for....umm....karma?

So I guess I’ll just have to play golf on all my days off. That’s about 20 rounds of golf in the next couple of months. You all hate me now, don’t you? See how it all works? It’s circular...karma gets even, I get to play golf, I get the mojo back, you get mad at my new karma, we send you out on our course, you get happy, karma has been redistributed, and in the meantime my handicap drops four shots...didn’t know you were learning about Eastern Mysticism, did you? Watch out, the guy will just be talking to you about nothing and BAM! right between the eyes. Ninja.

Why is everyone playing a kazoo?

I tried. I watched an entire half.

Nice kick. That’s another nice kick. Nice curvy kick. Nice long, low kick. Hey, there was another kick. Was that your head? You’re telling me that doesn’t hurt? Uh, huh...Yay, the man dressed like Bozo got to use his hands! How come he gets to dress like a rodeo clown and wear oven mitts? Do all the men dressed like that on both teams come piling out of a Cooper before the game shooting water balloons into the crowd and tossing confetti? Do they ride bulls?

I have more questions:....Remember when you tried to kick the ball at that man and you kind of touched him with your shirt sleeve when you ran past? Remember that? And then their coach started crying Hail Mary’s and that man started rolling around on the ground, crying and slobbering on himself? Did you just Taze him? Do you have magic powers?

Why is everyone playing a kazoo? Who’s conducting them? Is there a little man in a tux I can’t see? Is John Williams involved? Mr. Williams, can you please make them play another song besides “Bees...”? Don’t you guys rehearse...do you not know any other songs? Because I would really like to hear something besides “Bees”, understand? I mean, I know it’s hard to play complex rhythms or chords with those things, but you’ve got to be able to play, I dunno, Lady Gaga or something. It can’t be that hard. It’s 4/4 time, you can probably still dance to it, and no one really pays attention to the lyrics, anyway, right? So just don’t play “Bees” anymore. I mean, come on, I’m not asking for Kings of Leon or Black Eyed Peas, stuff, OK...just no more “Bees”. And please don’t start in with that “Bees Dancing” song, because that just sounds like “Bees”, only louder and with less of a beat. And I really don’t want to hear that “Bees” song, anymore...I hope you get the picture. OK? No more “Bees”. Got it?

Tough Love Golf Instruction

Is there such a thing as “Tough Love Golf Instruction”? I’m willing to be the progenitor of this new teaching method, if no one has volunteered yet. Basically, when you hit a good shot, it’s because you listened to me and basked in all the golf instruction genius, glory and adulation that is me. If you hit a bad shot, well then you’re just a sad, lonely excuse for a biped and should look at the ground when you’re speaking to me. If that method works for you, let me know, OK? Rates will be variable based on level of abuse. We’ll start with the standard $60 package that includes beration and belittlement. But for the full $100 package you get the standard verbal abuse, Navy Seal calisthenics, plus a full-on,Christian Bale on a bender,one time only scream down guaranteed to take two years off your life. Sign-ups begin today.....

I know I’m getting old, but I really don’t think it’s fair that teenagers and little rubber kids are shooting 62’s and acting like this game is easy. It’s bad enough you guys run around wearing Garanimals and Frank Costanza’s beach wear. You don’t have to actually be that good. It’s wrong metaphysically. One is supposed to suffer for their craft, not roll out of the crib spinning wedges. I declare a moratorium on skinny young guys. All tournament winners from this point forward should have at least one love handle, a mortgage and some sort of replacement surgery. So let it be written. So let it be done.

The course is looking beautiful, and the little bit of rain we’ve had this week have made it even more so. Come out and enjoy a great day with some buddies and see why River Ridge is on the top of everyone’s Must Play list.

Please spare us your “Kobe’s the greatest” speeches

To all the self congratulatory Lakers fans who call in to AM sports shows, you need to take a good hard look in the mirror and admit to yourself that you’re a poser. Face it...you loved the 49’ers in the 80’s. You were a Cowboys fan in the 90’s. And you think the Yankees are the greatest team ever. You are a front-runner. You only cheer if your team is winning. As soon as Kobe retires, you’ll be a Cavs fan. That’s just how you operate. So please spare the rest of us your “Kobe’s the greatest” speeches; you’re sucking all the oxygen out of the room.

Dear Mr. McClane....please blow it up. We’re not bad. We’re last place in the league setting records for futility bad. And we’re holding the roster together for what, exactly? Our promise to you: if you bring in some young guys who at least care and try, we’ll still come to the games. And we’ll try to forget about Carlos Lee. And Kaz Matsui. And Jason Jennings. And.....

School’s out!! Hope everyone has a safe and happy summer. Remember to bring the little guys out every now and then this summer; the greatest time you can spend is on the course with your kids. Nothing replaces it.

Call me first

The guy spitting sunflower seeds on the green. I missed a birdie because of you. We have about 400 acres out here. The greens make up 10 acres. Use the other 390.

The guy in the white truck who’s on I-10 every morning in the left lane. Going 50. If this was Germany, I could have you arrested.

Whoever is in charge of the traffic lights at Grand Parkway and I-10. Let me give you a hint. It’s 5:30 AM. I’m the only one at the intersection. It’s Sunday morning. Why am I sitting here for 5 minutes? Can’t you turn the timer off? Isn’t there some kind of stupid sensor for that thing?

If you are the person in charge of procuring fishing equipment for Academy, I need to speak with you. Actually about five of us need to speak with you. Since we’re trying to keep your Grand Parkway store open by ourselves, we figured we should have a voice in all your future buying decisions. We’ll meet you Friday night next to the MirroLures. Oh yeah, bring some Corkies....I’m out.

If you own a computer that auto dials anyone human, you are no longer my friend.

If you are over 40 and own a Jonas Brother, Justin Bieber or Hannah Montana song on your I-pod, I can no longer talk to you. It’s not that I don’t like you. It’s more like concern. Like an intervention type of concern. You need help.

By the same token, if you have Radiohead, Pearl Jam or Wilco tickets there are probably a lot of golf lessons in your future. I don’t really even care if you play golf. You’re getting them anyway.

And lastly, if you are considering taking all your debt and bills and calling up some 800 number so they can save your life, give me a call first. It will all go down easier if you talk to me first. I promise.

Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you…

Should I be mad at Brian Cushing? What is Jim Rome saying “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying”....is that how we really want to look at this? Having a son going into junior high football and having to explain all of this has turned into a “Welcome to Fatherhood” moment. Here’s a player my son has spent the last year idolizing; he wants a Cushing jersey. Now he’s upset, confused and wants answers. Have to assume that no plausible explanation will be forthcoming from Mr. Cushing or the Texans. Which leaves a lot of parents/ friends/ coaches having to come up with all the answers. So thanks again to professional sports for building up character and breaking down faith and trust. Seems we can always rely on you. Much in the same way we rely on the government, natural disasters and disease. Thanks for being consistent.

So let’s see...we have Rothleisberger, then Cushing. Now PacMan is back. Do you ever get the sense that the NFL is some kind of combination of “The Sopranos” and “Hamlet”? It is a morality play that’s played out across hundreds of channels for the world to see; life, death, betrayal, trust, sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll… who needs movies, concerts, or soap operas? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...The National Football League.

PEOPLE WHOSE NINE LIVES ARE USED UP….

John Daly- A caricature of a satire of a bumpkin.

Jose Canseco- Baseball Hall of Famer, washed up at 31, pariah, author, tomato can fighter...someone should tell him that the next step in the career progression will involve some sort of clean-up/ janitorial responsibilities. Remember Jose, when you finish, put our recycle bin inside of our trash can on the street. Makes it easier for the ten year old to carry it back in.

Anyone last name Hilton or Kardashian or Lohan. In fact, anyone who has a series on E! Coming soon on E!… “Elin’s Road Back”, which follows the heartwarming story of a beautiful blond gazillionaire trying to start over. Can’t you hear the production meeting.."We can cast somebody who used to be on a soap opera as her new love interest. Pick one who was a bad guy...let’s get that one guy- you know the guy..the one with the chest and the hair and the teeth...it will make it sell better. But he can’t be too nice...this has to last 13 episodes.” Remember you heard it here first. Don’t think I won’t be calling about my royalty checks.

Anyone who records a song with some AudioSound, ProTools, voiceover thingy. Gee, rapping and computer programming all mixed together. I don’t know any rappers. I know a few computer programmers in Katy. I have friends who are computer programmers. And you, sir, are no computer programmer.

Nancy Grace- It’s just too easy. Fish in a barrel. Making fun of Donald Trump’s hair. Feeding deer with feeders all year and then popping them when they show up for breakfast on October 3rd. Picking on Nancy Grace. You know, a sport. Sadly, there will always be terrible people in the world. Which means you will always have a job. Nancy, you may want to run to the store and get some bread, milk and some dehydrated meals. This could last a while.

My Obsession… I Fish

For the record, when I picked Dez Bryant for the Cowboys, it was just wishful thinking. Now that Jerry Jones has followed my command, my faith in humanity has been restored. The Cowboys will be controversial, Tony Romo will have a talented, athletic receiver with a mouth and ego as large as the city itself and Dallas residents can continue to watch themselves on the world’s largest TV. (Not sure if you folks got the memo- they sell TV’s at places like Best Buy and Lowes- and you don’t have to pay $300 a week to see one.They even deliver and install. Try getting Jerry to do that for you. Of course, if you put it on your Amex, he may show up.) Sometimes things just come together. Now if we could just get Mark Cuban to go away....

This is the time of year when my other great past-time, hobby, obsession..whatever you call it, kicks into gear. I fish. It’s sort of like an admission in an addicts meeting. I can’t help myself. I just can’t stop. I can’t quit buying lures. And tackle. And wading gear. And....get the picture? I can’t quit driving by bodies of waters looking for a slick. Or a mud boil. Those of you who don’t fish just went off to la-la land. Those who do just got chill bumps on their arms. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? I see you shaking…

I have a theory that my obsession with fishing is a displacement for my lack of success with understanding or mastering the game of golf. So I seek a sport with a quarry slightly smarter than a golf ball, that lets me buy too many toys, takes too much time and leaves me wanting more every time I’m finished. One that changes every time you go and the conditions differ from minute to minute. One that involves at least two friends who don’t want their wives knowing what they’re really out doing. Nothing at all like golf. I know this is starting to hit a little too close to home for a few of you....I’ll be leaving now. Anyone been behind San Luis Pass this week? How’s it looking? What colors are they hitting....

I have no regrets. Only scars.

Brian Davis is my new hero. Great admiration and respect for your integrity, feel and eyesight. I can flat out tell you there is no way I would have even known I hit a blade of grass in a hazard. And then Mr. Bitter With No Life is calling the CBS truck to get me kicked off the Tour for cheating. I can only hope your honor will be repaid to you with a well-earned victory. You deserve it Mr. Davis.

I have made the decision that there is actually only one golf ball.The rest is marketing.

The Texans need a good draft. When you look at our upcoming schedule, we could go 6-10 or 12-4; this draft could make the difference in either direction. I’ve been very happy with our last couple of drafts. Hoping Mr. Smith and Mr. Kubiak can keep up the good work.

I begin this year’s draft with the same wish I have for every draft...for the Cowboys to fail miserably. The following is a list of ideal candidates....

1. Younger brother of Pacman Jones or TO
2. Has an older sister dating Tiger
3. Has a father who is a Goldman Sachs VP
4. Hangs out with Big Ben
5. Thinks Jerry Jones and Donald Trump are good guys
6. Tapes American Idol
7. Has appeared on Nancy Grace
8. Knows the lyrics to Justin Beiber songs
9. Has any relative who is a politician.
10. Dez Bryant

Fairways, greens and one putts.....

Trey Birchum
PGA Head Professional, River Ridge Golf Club
email: tbirchum AT riverridgegolfclub.com