River Ridge Golf Club - West Houston, Katy Texas

Hmmm... from Trey Birchum:

The beat goes on…

Have had a couple of folks comment this week on last week’s column, i.e. what else does your beat reporter recommend. OK, here’s the list for this week…

The Black Keys- Just two guys playing rock ‘n roll. As simple and lovely as it gets.

Quad grande nonfat vanilla lattes- A nice little drink with four shot of espresso. We like to call it “The Shaker” at our house....

Adidas and Nike performance fabric shirts- You guys need to come to grips with a couple of things. You live in Southeast Texas. Global warming, ice age, asteroid hitting earth, Nostradamus....don’t care. It’s going to be hot and humid. If you’re not wearing performance fabrics you’re pretty much nuts. Unless of course you’re trying to lose weight. Then your plan of wearing a shirt that weighs nine pounds and smells like old goats after your round is right on track. Grew up on a ranch- that’s how I know what that smells like thank you very much. You should be glad I know and you don’t. You’re probably going to want to keep it that way.

Our greens- What, are you kidding me? Have you been out here lately? Well, you’re missing out...Just don’t go above the hole.

Babblings of a Golf Pro

Sure is easy to lose track, isn’t it? Your intrepid reporter has lost a close friend, the ability to swing a golf club and most of his lower gastrointestinal tract over the past couple of weeks. Not putting any of this out there for sympathy; rather quite the opposite. The past few weeks have become of laser of clarity in some regards. Take a look around you...what do you see? Your family, your friends, your co-workers...and it becomes so simple...time matters.

The time you spend with your loved ones, the time you spend with yourself. It all matters. So the obvious next question being “Why am I listening to the pseudo-psychological babblings of a freaking golf pro?” Well, for one reason, you’re sitting at work acting like you’re doing something important, but we both know you’re surfing the net trying to get around the company firewall. Second, stupid golf pro or not, there are some generalities in life that pertain to golf pros, presidents and popes alike, so quit playing Words with Friends long enough to let me finish.

Time matters. And the time you spend doing things like fishing, playing golf, going to the mall....that time especially matters. So this holiday season, take a look in the mirror, find the ones you love, and make sure you spend the time. Whether it’s on (insert gratuitous product placement here) River Ridge’s luscious green overseeded fairways and slick greens, or in your living room. Take the time.

If I were a Rich Man Who Could Write

Stuck. Blocked. A blank square enveloped in a vacuum. Nothingness consumed by voids. Black holes getting chewed up by toothless amoeba. Never give a man with writer’s block a metaphor. Just give him some cash, dear… maybe he’ll go away.

If I were a millionaire, the first thing I would be is fat. We’re talking cartel drug lord fat.

Kayak- gone. Replaced by 24 foot boat the salesman guaranteed would vortex fish out of the Gulf. Boat fitted w ice box, grill and pizza oven. No paddling, lifting, pushing, turning of anything but a button. I’m a millionaire now. You don’t really expect me to do all that anymore, do you? Besides, eating fish has health benefits. You got any gravy?

Golf- gone. Replaced by $37,000 Mercedes golf cart available in Sharper Image. Driven by new caddie, E. Woods. Used to go by another name, but laying low now trying to get back at one with himself. Plus, needs to save his dough for paternity tests. Caddy basically hits ball, drives to ball, tells me how far it is, gets out and hits again, maybe even a couple of more times. He putts everything outside of 6 feet. I putt everything shorter. My new scoring average per round- 13. Walk to green from golf cart total- 100 yards a day. Mr. Trump will also soon be redesigning a couple of courses to suit my needs. What do you mean walk over a bridge to the green? This thing won’t fit on it? I’m a millionaire...get it done. And those water coolers on each tee- gone. Replaced by buffets. Sorry, Donald. Just the cost of doing business with me....

Coaching/ Teaching Professional- Would still coach and teach golf, but have to time manage differently. The new Tom Landry Memorial crow’s nest tower above the elementary school looks sweet. Install one PA system, borrowed from estate of K. Cobain, coupled with recliner and video monitors. Children respond greatly to insults from a disembodied voice from above. Same setup with golfers, except the adult factor changes the game. From recliner, will set phase conjugate gun to stun and shoot any student who doesn’t listen. Won’t kill you; more like a cattle prod. Just letting you know, that you messed up. But can’t really be bothered to get up and tell you that. Because I’m a millionaire. And I’m feeling a little sleepy. Better crank up the A/C in this thing...it’s a little warm on the back of the range.

River Ridge. We pump our pro full of caffeine and stupid and let his cerebral cortex fight it out. Guess who won?

River Ridge Understands

Have come to the realization that PGA Pros have a certain skill set that most normal humans don’t possess. The following is a list of what we’re really good at versus the general public:

1. Remote controls- give any golf pro a remote and a TV and we’ll handle it. The remote doesn’t even have to match the TV. Through our special MacGyver golf professional training, we can reprogram, wire and solder if necessary. It only works on remotes; don’t bring your computers or stereos up here. Remotes only. Can’t explain it; it’s just how it works.

2. Smarting off. We’e just better at it than you are. Trust me on that one. See Exhibit A, idiot River Ridge golf pro. Enough said, your honor.

3. The Simpsons. With the exception of Travis Rogers, no one on earth can relate every day life to a Simpsons episode as good as a golf professional. Why? Because it comes on at 6:00 or 7:30 PM. While you’re playing, working, cooking, playing with the kids, you know, normal stuff, we’re in the pro shop. Watching TV. And guess what we’re watching? Yeah, I know what we’re supposed to be watching. But everyone knows better…

4. Shoes. We can save them, or destroy them, your choice. Because we’re on our feet most of the day, golf professionals tend to develop foot fetish issues. Some of us (not mentioning any names) have more shoes than our wives. Or Imelda Marcos. Want to know if a style of shoe is any good? Ask any random golf professional; we’ll know.

So, in summation: Wear your coolest shoes with your remote in your back pocket, come to the River Ridge pro shop so we can smart off and tell you that you look like Krusty the Klown. Try that at another course and see what kind of reception you get. River Ridge. We understand.

Early-life Crisis

You go from the closest thing to immortal that exists on terra firma to universally reviled overnight. Probably going to short out a few wires in the old inner computer. Most people wait until late 40’s, early 50’s to have the midlife crisis. Thirty-five is the new fifty-five.... You ran off everyone closest to you because you were constructed of iron and teflon. Who will stick to you now? Who wants to? Just say you’re sorry, man. Not the robo press release “I apologize to my wife, my family, my money...” stuff you rolled out when in all went down. Try meaning it. Pretty sure at this point you might.

This just in: Houston is hot!

Heading out to the hinterlands for a bit, so some last minute thoughts as your intrepid reporter becomes a cloud of dust....

An American will not win the British Open. Also just in, the Astros are terrible and Houston is hot. Next week, we blow the lid off the whole water situation...next week, our stunning expose of the inside workings of our local government reveals that, yes, water is wet. Back to you Ron.

And in local news, we will be hosting the River Ridge Junior Classic again this year on August 17th and 18th- 8:00 AM tee times. You can contact the pro shop or email us to sign up; registration begins August 1st and ends on August 15th.

Lots of fun in the sun to be had at the River. We’ve got specials posted for you for the next couple of weeks so you can schedule some family time. Or alone time. Or buddy time. You can call it whatever you want, just call River Ridge to do it.

Mirror, mirror

Things we love....

Little League coaches calling every pitch from the dugout, including a curve ball at least every third pitch. Congrats on the loss, the twelve year old’s Tommy John surgery, and your future as the next Earl Weaver. The Astros will be calling you any day now. Sad thing is, they probably will. And they’ll probably get better.

All the little future Rorys and Yanis whose current caddies don’t know the rules....Mom, Dad, Uncle Bob here’s a simple one sentence summation of The Rules of Golf. DON’T TOUCH THE STINKING BALL UNTIL IT’S ON THE GREEN! There. We can work with you on the rest from there. Until you get that one through your head we’re going to keep having some issues with each other.

Oh and also, DAD, you, yeah I’m talking to you. Pretty sure mom is not guilty of this one. Next time you decide it’s OK to take a couple or twelve mulligans a round, might want to let junior know that tournaments sorta frown on that. Apparently some of you aren’t aware of that little rule....let’s just call it a public service announcement.

Narcissistic, bloviated, morose idiots whining about things that don’t affect anyone but them.

And mirrors. Love us some mirrors.....

You NEED this

In an attempt to say something witty, he was struck by how his lack of self awareness. But then his conscious self began to understand how little he really knew, so he could subconsciously understand the implications of his actions. But self-actualization interfered with his id, and the superego compartmentalized all his dreams. The ramifications of this action caused the voices to tell him..."Go to your computer.....book a tee time at River Ridge....it’s what you WANT to do....it’s what you NEED to do....your life is incomplete if you don’t....”

Either that, or he just watched “Memento” and “Inception” back to back.

Desperately Seeking: American Hero

Would like to personally laud Charlie Epps for being the only “media” figure to bring this up. And would like to carry the banner forward a bit.

What’s going to happen when everyone finds out that Tiger won about 11 majors while juiced up on HGH? Will there be an uproar? Will the powers that be run to the record books to start drawing lines through it? Or everyone will simply state that it proves Jack Nicklaus was the greatest ever. No matter what, the further away we get from TIGER WOODS and deal with plain old Eldrick, we learn that he is vain, neurotic and petty. Gee, that’s sort of like a normal person, isn’t it?

That whole deity thing is pretty tough to uphold, isn’t it big guy? Sorry that your pops put that one on you. That one’s a little tough to live up to. Now you wake up every morning knowing there is some physician’s assistant in Canada who kept a vial of your blood. Just in case they invent the test to find HGH...which they will in about five more years. How are your people going to spin that one? Just wondering. Free advice- you probably ought to get on the phone with L Armstrong LLC pretty quick. Maybe you guys can hold a press conference with Barry Bonds and try to explain it all away in one shot. At least you’ll save us all some time.

Desperately Seeking: American Hero. Not drug addicted, sex addled or Lenny Dykstra with the money. Must have resume, references, and transparent life. Anyone with human frailties or emotions will not be considered. No skeletons larger than household pets, please. Must have the ability to navigate social media without stupidity. Must possess “The Switch” between brain and mouth. All applicants must submit to polygraph, blood, DNA and psychological analyses. (See that’s plural for analysis; would help for you to grasp the English language as well) Please send all applications c/o Nostalgia, Revisionist History and Yearning, Anywhere, USA.

Congrats to our great maintenance and grounds crews

We’ve had a ton of compliments on the golf course lately- it really is beautiful. All the credit goes to Bret Barclay, Glen Noska and our great maintenance and grounds crews. Golf pros have some weird hours; I have witnesses. But that’s nothing; these guys get here before we do, and at least a couple of days a week are here way past our departure. And they’re not sitting in an air-conditioned office writing idiotic blather. They’re busting their you know whats in the heat and humidity. Dirt, grass, bugs, slithering disgusting animals that no one should allow to exist. (The preceding is not representative of any owner, partner, or any other employee in RRGC. It is purely your redneck golf pro. Snakes all need to die. All of them. We will take our chances with the mice. I’m right here PETA. Come and get me.) Next time you see one of the maintenance crew at the course (any course- don’t care which one), tell them thanks. They earn every bit of it.

A learning experience… AAU Basketball Refs

Have gotten involved to a small degree with AAU basketball. The following are not fouls in an AAU game:

Tackling
Tripping
Assault
Felonious Assault

The following are considered personal fouls in AAU basketball:

Assault with a deadly weapon
Bribery
Embezzlement (The refs keep a close eye on their Gatorades. Not much else, but they know where their drinks are.)

The following are technical fouls in AAU basketball:

Questioning the ref… don’t even ask him what time it is
Pointing out to the ref that someone is injured- they don’t need your help, they’ve got it all under control
Making eye contact with the referee- apparently they REALLY don’t like that

As the lesson progresses, we will keep you updated. Next week: Carrying, traveling and double dribble....a long ago myth?....tales from an ancient land?....Dr. Naismith, where are you?.....

Do you have a bridge that just goes directly to it?

The only word I can really use is beautiful. You should be looking out our pro shop window right now. The course is beautiful. The bermuda has transitioned back into the fairways and greens, and it looks and plays great. We’re getting the first signs of leaves coming back on the pecan trees, so only another month or so to go before they are filled back in. Check out the webcam on our website if you don’t believe me. Better yet, come see for yourselves. Only a personal visit can really do it justice at this point, don’t you think?

We’ve started getting our new spring gear into the shop. Shirts by Nike and Adidas, caps and straw hats by Pukka and Ahead, the new lines of golf balls from Titleist and Callaway. It’s all here and all good. Take a look around next time you’re in the shop- some great deals on winter closeouts and the coolest new stuff. The scenery is worth the drive; the deals are worth your time.

It’s been said before but must be repeated. Greatest time of the year. NCAA Tournament. Shell Houston Open. Masters. Baseball starts. Fishing starts to heat back up. Little League. Softball. Soccer. Volleyball. Time has changed. If one of you wouldn’t mind leaving a dump truck of money in my driveway, that would pretty much finish it up. Or at least a good lead on a nice bay house.

Needs: Pier with underwater lights. And a boat. A really big boat that requires no maintenance. Preferably with a little guy who lives underneath who pops out come cleaning time. Golf course nearby wouldn’t hurt, either. A really good course that let’s golf professionals show up unannounced with at least seven friends. If you would provide a list of dates and times when the fish are in the neighborhood of the house that would be a great help. And which type. Size....don’t forget that. Don’t want any little weenie fish, after all. A list of all baits and colors used listed by dates would be beneficial as well. Map with GPS coordinates of where all the reefs and holes that have fish. Don’t just be listing any old spot- only the ones with fish. Let’s just do it this way; we’ll bring a check, you make sure to have all that stuff lined up (weather predictions also...about the next 20 years worth would suffice) and transaction complete. Keep it simple, I always say…

Remember, they also gave us the Spice Girls…

Would like to give all thanks to the Academy. You’ve once again proven yourselves to be mediocrity personified. Evidently it takes a Texan to explain this to you, so here goes, as simple as we can make it. Just because something has a British accent doesn’t make it great. OK, you have The Clash, the Stones, the Beatles, Laurence Olivier, Shakespeare....but that’s about 12 guys in a country of millions. It’s just an accent. That’s all. An affectation. A sound. A nuance. It doesn’t make them smarter or better. If they’re so great, why did we head out of there in the first place? And not to mention the whole lack of a dental plan thing is well documented. Even if their aversion to dentists is justified. Sadists. Sadists with lollipops. Sadists with lollipops, cute receptionists to lull you into a stupor and needles. Needles that poke you in parts of your face. Needles filled with a mixture of battery acid, sulfur and hate. That isn’t what it’s made of? Sure feels like it...Oh right, accents....

It was a good movie. It was not a great movie. Nice story. Excellent performances. But not life changing. Just a movie with cool accents. Using that reasoning, every Martin Scorcese movie should win at least five awards. And based on that, there’s a couple of good old boys from East Texas who should be made POTUS tomorrow just on drawl alone. At the very least there’s a University of Georgia cheerleader somewhere with Secretary of State tattooed on her forehead. My dear boy, that’s why it’s called acting....

Watch and learn

A quick run through- have to make the attempt to keep the streak alive…

Best Actress- Natalie Portman “Black Swan” A former child actress who is not in rehab, adult video or reality TV. Automatic winner for surviving the wardrobe from Star Wars the whatever. Could win: No one else. Lock.

Best Actor- Colin Firth “The King’s Speech” Because he’s nominated for the second year in a row,and the Academy can’t handle guilt. Adultery, substance abuse and crimes against nature we can live with, but please don’t make us feel guilty about making you come out here twice....Could win: Again, a lock. Repeat nominee, guilt and a British accent. Can’t lose.

Best Supporting Actress- Melissa Leo “The Fighter” Someone from a sports movie has to win every other year. It’s an Academy rule. Look it up. Could win: Haley the fourteen year old who plays a fourteen year old and may get rewarded for being, playing and acting like a fourteen year old. A staggering achievement in modern society.

Best Supporting Actor- Christian Bale “The Fighter” You’re going to pick against Batman playing a crackhead? Are you kidding me? Could win: Geoffrey Rush for being able to do on film what every person on earth has ever wanted to do; belittle royalty and get paid for it. What a sweet gig…

Best Director- David Fincher “The Social Network” He better win. Seven, Fight Club, Zodiac. The trifecta of creepy movies that make you lie awake after and wonder “Is that man nuts?” Anyone that can look at the world from that angle needs to be rewarded often; we don’t want him normal, do we? Could win: There better not be anyone else win, but the Academy has gone to great lengths in the past to look like boring old fuddies. Aronofsky, Russell, and the Coens have all directed movies that would qualify as not in the mainstream. Because of that look for Tom Hooper to sneak in , because he directed a period piece when no one else could get financing. And that’s big these days.

Best Picture- “The Social Network” It will win because the Academy wants America to believe that it’s willing to poke fun at society and themselves. And that, if only for one night, they themselves can live in the loneliness, existentialism and social malaise that our world has become. Either that or they just want a chunk of the Zuckerberg pie. Please be my friend. I’ll pay you.... Could win: “The King’s Speech” See “Best Director” above…

Enough watching movies. Get outside. On the course. Much better way to spend a couple of hours. Movies are for rainy days anyway....

Fairways, greens and one putts.....

Trey Birchum
PGA Head Professional, River Ridge Golf Club
email: tbirchum AT riverridgegolfclub.com